On Motherhood
Anyone who's spent any time with Cadence knows that she is prone to extremes, from raucous mirth to even more raucous (sometimes ear-splitting) fury. Believe it or not, she DOES have moments of quietude, and if I'm lucky, even tenderness.
For a long time, I resisted her mercurial tendencies and thought if I just used the right parenting technique, if I only redirected strategically or exhibited the right amount of empathy, that she would be the calm, peaceful child I'd always thought I'd get. That's the thing about parenthood; in some ways, it's like a crapshoot. There are no guarantees for health or personality or intelligence or special talents. I know that despite the difficulties I sometimes I have in just being in the same room with Cadence, everyday that I do have her with me, safe and sound and relatively healthy, is a gift.
I'm learning these days to accept Cadence for who she is--the wonderfully rambunctious joyful girl who came to me in my dreams when I was pregnant with her, with her long brown hair dancing wildly like silk ribbons as I twirled her around in my arms. I had believed then that in that dream I had met my very own daughter who was forming in my womb (although we didn't ask to find out her sex from our doctor), and I still believe that that was Cadence who came to me in my dream, giving me a taste of what life with her would be like--wild and dizzy.
I'm learning these days to accept myself for the mother that I am, the one with more questions than answers, the one for whom mere playing does not come easily, the one who is often so confounded by social anxieties that she marvels at her child's fondness for all-adult parties. I think my one saving grace has been that my father instilled in me a deep respect for children. He was a pastor, and he paid close attention to how Jesus treated little children, the way he welcomed them and spoke of them, saying that the kingdom of God belongs those who are like them. I try to keep that in mind when I feel like flaunting my authority in front of Cadence. I try to remember that the times when I'm being the biggest ass are also the times when I probably want and need the most mercy and kindness even if I know full well I don't deserve it, and that Cadence probably feels the same way.
I have a feeling that motherhood will never be easy for me, but that's okay. I think my struggles and challenges as a mother have made the experience all the more richer while giving me respect and empathy for all mothers.
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Edited to add: I wrote this at 1 a.m. and didn't really edit very well. In retrospect, I think comparing parenting to a crapshoot sounds a bit too fatalistic. I'm not trying to convey that kind of message at all. I do believe that regardless of the straws we draw in life, that our everyday choices--to love, to cherish, to guide, to nurture--these do make a big difference, even if it might not be the difference we want to see (i.e., eliminating temper tantrums, magical overnight potty learning, etc.). Nevertheless, I hope to be reaping the fruits of those choices in the years to come when Cadence is older and has full confidence in my love and acceptance of her. Now, I don't think I'll ever make the right choices every time, or even most of the time, but I keep trying, and I hope that counts for something.
Lastly, here's a quote from Anna Qundlen that gives me comfort. I don't know what obstreperous means, but it doesn't sound too pleasant.
Recently a young mother asked for advice. What, she wanted to know, was she to do with a 7-year-old who was obstreperous, outspoken, and inconveniently willful? "Keep her," I replied.... The suffragettes refused to be polite in demanding what they wanted or grateful for getting what they deserved. Works for me.
Friday, August 28, 2009 at 1:09AM | Permalink | in Cadence, Mindfulness, Musings, Parenting tagged motherhood, musings, parenting 
Reader Comments (11)
I can relate to what you are writting ( some words I`m unsure of :))
Our youngest one keeps us bizzi, she is loud and happy happy... or veeeery mad ;)
But I do see that when I am calm, she is a bit calmer herselves..
Parenting follows the child as they grow I think..every age brings something different and parents and children grow together, and I think you do just fine..
We all have question, and do as best we can... If we had all the answers it would not be as fun I think :)
Love the pictue
Beautiful post.
this is probably one of the best things i've ever read. thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. parenthood is not what we imagine. i have three that challenge me in different ways everyday. and my life is so much richer because of them! i struggle with some of the same things you do. And it was just nice to read your post.
I love the pictures that you capture of your daughter and share with us everyday. You see her for who she is. And that is the most important part of parenting, I think.
I still struggle with those exact feelings, but I promise it gets easier, and better, every year :)
Beautiful...
"I try to remember that the times when I'm being the biggest ass are also the times when I probably want and need the most mercy and kindness even if I know full well I don't deserve it, and that Cadence probably feels the same way."
I think that is my new mantra. My girl is in serious limit-testing mode!
Thank you all for your comments. I'm learning to appreciate that it's the hard stuff in life that add texture and often become the parts that make us grow the most.
"That's the thing about parenthood; in some ways, it's like a crapshoot."
Once I *got* that idea adoption was a lot less scary. Who's to say *my* genes are superior to anyone else? I don't think I could have produced a more awesome son than I have now.
You know, for all your self identified social *awkwardness* you sure do speak tons of truth in your pictures and your prose.
Crying, crying, crying.
"I know that despite the difficulties I sometimes I have in just being in the same room with Cadence, everyday that I do have her with me, safe and sound and relatively healthy, is a gift."
blessings of sweet motherhood.
You wrote beautifully in word a lot of what I feel. It's hard sometimes, from the outside it looks like everyone else has the "perfect" child (whatever that may be) and that they are handling it just fine. It's nice to know that other women/parents struggle with the same things I do.
that should have read: "words"