Be My Mirror

I recently posted on Shutter Sisters about what I see when I see myself. It wasn't an easy post to write. It took me years and years of stripping away layers of self-doubt and unfounded feelings of unworthiness to be able to write that and to mean it. It's a process I go through every day, this choosing of how I see myself. As I told a good friend last night, I go back and forth between embracing my fierceness and awesomeness and then quaking in my boots.

I foresee a lot of self-reflection in the months ahead. I know I will need courage and authenticity, things I'll probably often need to borrow from others. I know I'm not supposed to walk this path alone, but sometimes it's really hard for me not to start digging a hole in the ground and make a secret path unknown and inaccesible to others.

I made this video because I wanted to show my shutterbrothers Brett and Dave how much I want to reflect back to them the beauty I see in them. What I realized as I watched the final cut is that I made that video as much for me as I did for them.  They have been my mirrors, showing me who I am and who I can be, as have a host of other friends.  I don't know where I would be without them...

And yet, mi querid@, I will not lie...The road ahead is unlit and unmarked. I'm afraid of getting lost; even the brave misread maps. I'm afraid of falling; even the strong can trip on a pebble. Whether I lose my way or skin both knees, I'll keep walking that road...don't be surprised, though, if I ask you to keep me company...

Running Into 2011

I love this photo so much. When we thought the evening couldn't get any lovelier after filling our bellies with Filipino empanadas and sword fights at Target, we discovered that the sledding hill was totally abandoned, save for some geese who flew away as soon as they saw us running uphill. What a perfect night for sledding...slightly misty but warm enough so we felt comfortable flying down the hill multiple times.

In some ways, this photo is representative of how I feel like I'm entering 2011--running up a hill with a heart overflowing. There is freedom and joy there, but also a recognition of the challenges to come, a fear of the unknown. And yet, I know that my friends are there for me, running with me up that same hill, and they will pick me up if I fall (or come rescue me at the end of the evening when I can't walk down the hill in my slippery dress boots).

Where will you be, come December 31, 2011? Where will I be? Who will we have become? We are heading into a fog, arms outstretched, so much hope and anticipation in our hearts. If I need someone to hold my hand and be by my side through the darkest patches, will you find me? Can I do the same for you?

Regardless, let's eat empanadas and go sledding.

Update on Monday, January 3, 2011 at 10:14PM by sarah-ji

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And the accompanying video...

Invitación

Time has slipped by us quietly and unnoticed, and I don't know how I got to be over here while you are over there. Can we ever go back and reclaim those moments that should have been ours together? The conversations never exchanged? We can trudge on and pretend we didn't miss a beat, but someday it will become evident that we are out of synch.

Café conmigo, por favor? I will be waiting here...