On Motherhood

Anyone who's spent any time with Cadence knows that she is prone to extremes, from raucous mirth to even more raucous (sometimes ear-splitting) fury.  Believe it or not, she DOES have moments of quietude, and if I'm lucky, even tenderness. 

For a long time, I resisted her mercurial tendencies and thought if I just used the right parenting technique, if I only redirected strategically or exhibited the right amount of empathy, that she would be the calm, peaceful child I'd always thought I'd get.  That's the thing about parenthood; in some ways, it's like a crapshoot.  There are no guarantees for health or personality or intelligence or special talents.  I know that despite the difficulties I sometimes I have in just being in the same room with Cadence, everyday that I do have her with me, safe and sound and relatively healthy, is a gift.

I'm learning these days to accept Cadence for who she is--the wonderfully rambunctious joyful girl who came to me in my dreams when I was pregnant with her, with her long brown hair dancing wildly like silk ribbons as I twirled her around in my arms.  I had believed then that in that dream I had met my very own daughter who was forming in my womb (although we didn't ask to find out her sex from our doctor), and I still believe that that was Cadence who came to me in my dream, giving me a taste of what life with her would be like--wild and dizzy.

I'm learning these days to accept myself for the mother that I am, the one with more questions than answers, the one for whom mere playing does not come easily, the one who is often so confounded by social anxieties that she marvels at her child's fondness for all-adult parties.  I think my one saving grace has been that my father instilled in me a deep respect for children.  He was a pastor, and he paid close attention to how Jesus treated little children, the way he welcomed them and spoke of them, saying that the kingdom of God belongs those who are like them.  I try to keep that in mind when I feel like flaunting my authority in front of Cadence.  I try to remember that the times when I'm being the biggest ass are also the times when I probably want and need the most mercy and kindness even if I know full well I don't deserve it, and that Cadence probably feels the same way.

I have a feeling that motherhood will never be easy for me, but that's okay.  I think my struggles and challenges as a mother have made the experience all the more richer while giving me respect and empathy for all mothers.

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Edited to add: I wrote this at 1 a.m. and didn't really edit very well.  In retrospect, I think comparing parenting to a crapshoot sounds a bit too fatalistic.  I'm not trying to convey that kind of message at all.  I do believe that regardless of the straws we draw in life, that our everyday choices--to love, to cherish, to guide, to nurture--these do make a big difference, even if it might not be the difference we want to see (i.e., eliminating temper tantrums, magical overnight potty learning, etc.).  Nevertheless, I hope to be reaping the fruits of those choices in the years to come when Cadence is older and has full confidence in my love and acceptance of her.  Now, I don't think I'll ever make the right choices every time, or even most of the time, but I keep trying, and I hope that counts for something.

Lastly, here's a quote from Anna Qundlen that gives me comfort.  I don't know what obstreperous means, but it doesn't sound too pleasant.

Recently a young mother asked for advice. What, she wanted to know, was she to do with a 7-year-old who was obstreperous, outspoken, and inconveniently willful? "Keep her," I replied.... The suffragettes refused to be polite in demanding what they wanted or grateful for getting what they deserved. Works for me.

Remembering Mother's Day Past

This was me the day before my first Mother's Day 4 years ago.  It's quite possible that my hair's in a ponytail because I didn't get to shower that day...Ah the good old days.  Wait a minute, what am I talking about?  I STILL regularly don't get to shower as often as I'd like.  I just don't bother with the ponytail any more. 

For those of you who celebrate Mother's Day, xoxo.  For those of you for whom Mother's Day is fraught with complicated emotions for various reasons, xoxo.

The World According to Mom

I've been tagged by my Shutter Sister Irene! 

5 Things I Love About Being A Mom

1) Looking into those big brown eyes.  My grandfather used to call me puppy eyes when I was her age, and I think he probably would have said the same of her.

2) Discovering the things we both enjoy, such as climbing chain link fences or peanut butter & jelly sandwiches or kitty cats or my mom's cooking.  Although, the climbing fences thing was probably more applicable to me as a kid.

3) Catching her in one of those really thoughful poses and wondering what the heck goes on in that 4 1/2 year old brain of her.

4) Seeing how much Cadence loves her little friends.  She's had pretty much the same friends the past 3.5 years of her life, and it's been cool watching them grow up together, literally.  Plus, some of her friends' moms have been my biggest support, and I probably would like motherhood a lot less if it weren't for them.

5) Feeling the soft warmth of her cheeks next to mine and knowing that she's perfectly happy right there and then.

Granted, I don't always love being a mom, and I don't love being a mom to Cadence specifically every now and then, so I guess this was a good exercise for me to go through.

This is part of Her Bad Mother's Around the World in 80 Clicks project.  If you're a mom and want to participate, please do so!  I've already sort of tagged Melissa on Facebook, and now I tag Toni, Kelly and YOU!

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Also, I'm excited to announce that I am now a contributing (photo)blogger for Kimchi Mamas, a collaborative blog written by mothers of kids who are of Korean American heritage.  You can check out my intro here.  Thankfully, they've asked me to contribute mainly photos, which is a relief to me since I tend to get finger-tied when it comes to typing out posts that contain words.  That's why I gave up on my mommyblog.

I'm excited about this opportunity, as I highly respect all the contributors to the Kimchi Mama community, and some of my favorite and oldest blogger friends are other Kimchi Mamas.  If you are a Kimchi Mama yourself, check us out!